Shameless Plog

Disaster Movie Couldn't Have A Better Title

2008-08-16T10:51:00.005-04:00

Why are these movies still allowed to be made? Because the average person has worse taste in movies than fans of Carlos Mencia have in comedians. Below is my rendition of someone with piss-poor taste in comedy going to see the movie:

Parody movies used to be intelligent, witty, and believe it or not, actually funny. Airplane, Naked Gun, and Hot Shots were all Parody movies (made by the same group of people), and they all did what they were supposed to do, which is make fun of a specific genre of movies in an intelligently comical way.

This new group started out pretty strong, actually (with the help of some of the Naked Gun people). For the first Scary Movie and Not Another Teen Movie, they stuck to the genre that they were supposed to be making fun of, and the results were actually funny.

Then two "writers" from the scary movie team got carried away, and Disaster Movie is the most recent installment of a seemingly endless body of work that for some reason people still shell out 9 bucks to see.

When I (and probably the majority of movie-goers) think of a disaster movie, movies about disasters come to mind. For example, Twister, Day After Tomorrow, Cloverfield, Armageddon, Deep Impact, and maybe even Independence Day are all disaster movies. Do you feel insulted that I even spelled that out for you? I would, but it’s apparently needs to be spelled out for people who still pay money to see the movies.

Judging from the trailer, just like every other movie they've released since Not Another Teen Movie, the genre is just the backdrop for their "Was-topical-a-few-weeks-ago-but-now-people-are-tired-of-hearing-about-it" jokes.

Why aren’t any of the scenes previewed showing an actual disaster (besides the movie itself)? From what I see in the poster, the following movies are spoofed:
Enchanted, Indiana Jones, Hancock, The Hulk, Juno, Hannah Montana, Batman, Iron Man, Hellboy, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Kung Fu Panda, and Amy Winehouse?.

None of those movies are disaster movies. They even squeezed FIVE superhero movies in there, it's not like a superhero movie parody was just released a couple of months ago. Oh right...

I should make it clear that Superhero Movie was made by some of the Naked Gun team. I’ve never seen it, so I can’t say how bad it is, but at least it looks like they left out pop-culture references that were not relevant.

Back to Disaster Movie, it speaks very poorly for our culture when these movies make $50 million in the box office, and double that on DVD. Do people not know there is anything better to watch? Maybe shows like Arrested Development would still be around if people stayed home and watched TV instead of going to see Meet the Spartans (or I guess when AD was around, it was “Epic Movie” or “Date Movie”) If that seems like a stretch, I don’t care, but go see the AD movie whenever it comes out.

I think what is the most frustrating is that there are genuinely good writers, with good scripts, trying to make it in Hollywood, and the same two writers are using the same formula (that a 13-year old could have come up with) over and over again. It’s nothing but jokes that, if they aren’t stolen from other movies, aren’t actual jokes. Referencing an event from pop-culture doesn’t make a joke, providing humorous commentary on that event is what makes a joke. So yes, Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears are crazy, you know how to observe pop-culture, that doesn’t mean you made a good joke.

I wanted to end by showing an example of a stolen joke with two YouTube clips, but I couldn’t find two good ones, and I refuse to actually watch anything other than the trailer for these movies. However, in the trailer for Meet the Spartans, there is a joke that goes like so:

RAMBO: Say hello to my little friend! [Surprise! Midget with a gun!]

In the movie “Jane Austen’s Mafia,” (by the Airplane/Naked Gun group), there is a joke that goes like so:

TALL MAFIA DUDE: Say hello to my little friend. [Opens coat, Surprise! Deep Roy(Midget) with a gun!]

The Butter-Face Dolls

2008-07-29T21:03:00.007-04:00

There is nothing at all appealing about The Pussycat Dolls.

While yes, a few of them may be attractive women if you washed a few layers of skank off of them, they are by no means worthy enough to be as popular as they are right now.

Before I go further, I do want to point out that I’m not saying looks should be the prime factor in determining the success of female singers. However, while they do look like trannies, I am pretty sure that nobody can disagree that they sing about as well as a drunk girl at a bar belching out Kelly Clarkson as loud as she can on Karaoke night.

With that said, let me get back to my original point:
The Pussycat Dolls are ugly.

Make no mistake in judgment. Right now you’re probably saying, “Well, one or two of them are pretty hot.” You need to consider that any posed shot you see like this, they are airbrushed into oblivion to make them look hotter(?), and the airbrush doesn’t take them very far. So you can disagree with me all you want to about how attractive they are, but I’ll bet you can’t honestly tell me that at least half of them don’t look like men.

I also challenge you to show me a hot video or performance of theirs where there is sufficient lighting.

In terms of musical talent, I can’t say this with any certainty(because I don't care enough to do the research), but I’m pretty sure none of them know how to play an instrument, let alone sing their way out of a prostitution sting. If they even write their own songs, good for them, because they’ve learned how to make millions off of writing the lyrics to a chorus and repeating it over and over again for three minutes.

If all that they’re supposed to be is a hot and sexy song and dance troupe, and talent obviously doesn’t matter, is this seriously the best the music producers can do? None of the original members from the Vegas show are in the musical group anyway, so they obviously did some sort of casting. How did that casting meeting go?

CASTING DIRECTOR: “This girl was really hot, and can sing, but she wants a 2 million dollar contract.”

RECORD EXEC.: “Can’t we just pick up any trash off the street and make them wear next to nothing, they’ll still look hot if we only show them in low light.”

CASTING DIRECTOR: “What if they can’t sing?”

ROOM FULL OF RECORD EXECUTIVES: [eruption of laughter] “You’re fired!”

I guess they are the most talented female pop group that’s based on a Las Vegas burlesque show, so at least they got that going for them. As well as providing a skanky inspiration for pre-teen girls to dress like whores all over the country.

Question: How many movies does it take to tell all the differences between black people and asian people in a comical way?

2007-08-15T18:48:00.002-04:00

Answer: At Least three.

The following is part of a transcript of my interview with Chris Tucker.

DAN: Seriously, this is the same movie as the first two, who are you trying to fool?

CT: Nah man, theys different. You see, in the first movie, Jackie was a fish out of water in America. I had to kind of show him the ropes and we got into all sorts of zany adventures. In the next movie I was the fish out of water in Japan, or China, or I don't know, something weird. Jackie had to kind of show me the ropes and we got into all sorts of zany adventures.

DAN: Oh so you could just recycle everything from the first movie, sometimes word for word, but reverse the characters?

CT: Basicall-what? No no no theys different. We have a great team of writers.

DAN: I'll say, if the same joke can sustain through three movies. What is the third one about? Tens of people in the world are dying to know.

CT: Well see what we did was, we took the fish out of water plot tool and made it bigger, three times bigger! Now me and Jackie are both fish out of waters...or fishes out of water in Paris!

DAN: So let me clarify just so I can follow this intricate and deep plot. Your character was a cop in LA, or NY, or something weird. Jackie's character was a cop in Hong Kong or something. But somehow you two end up in Paris?

CT: Yes, it is all explained in the movie, go see it August 10th!

DAN: It is all explained in the movie. Beneath all of the recycled jokes?

CT: Yep, wait no. We have a great team of writers. Me and Jackie are also great improvisers.

DAN: So improvising means Jackie Chan acting like he's black and you reacting to that in a "comical" fashion.

CT: Yes, it is comic gold.

DAN: So finally, what is the reason for making this movie?

CT: There were many unanswered questions from the first two movies that this movie will tie together.

DAN:........

CT: No, really.

DAN:.........

CT: Alright fine, If we make one more the studio thinks they can make a killing on selling a DVD trilogy box set. Plus, we're guaranteed at least 5 more years of being run twice a week on TBS.

Emmy Nomination Thoughts/Predictions/Wishes

2007-07-28T13:01:00.001-04:00

Outstanding Animated Program

Avatar: The Last Airbender - "City Of Walls And Secrets"

Robot Chicken - "Lust For Puppets"

South Park - "Make Love, Not Warcraft"

SpongeBob SquarePants - "Bummer Vacation / Wig Struck"

The Simpsons - "The Haw-Hawed Couple"

Left Out: I can't really think of any animated program that I feel was snubbed for an Emmy nod, but it seems a little strange to me that they group a kid's show about a talking, homosexual sponge in with the same category as an adult show that features Paris Hilton being shoved into the Anus of a gimp(not in the Warcraft episode, I know). I guess they have no choice, they each fit the category title.

My Winner: South Park. Not only is it the best one of the nominationed shows, but the episode it is being nominated for is one of the best they've ever had. In the end it probably won't win, because it never wins, and the gaming lingo will probably be over the heads of whoever it is that actually chooses the winner.

Likely Winner: The Simpsons. The Simpsons is at a milestone right now, longest running sitcom(or something likr that), 20 years strong, and they have a movie coming out. For those reasons, and probably not the quality of the show, they will win. Not that I am bashing The Simpsons in any way, but the Emmy never seems to go to the show with the highest quality episode. They probably deserve to win, which would make this the "best. year. ever." for the show, because it is impossible for someone to hate The Simpsons. This is why the movie is going to do well, too. Why would somebody shell out 9 bucks to see an hour and a half of The Simpsons when you could easily turn on your TV at almost any time of day and get the same thing for free? Beacause it's The Simpsons, they're almost as old as I am and it is the first and possibly only time you will be able to see them in a movie theater. Just looking at all the promotions for the movie would normally make me annoyed, but instead I am embracing it. Has anyone been to a Kwik-E-Mart yet? It is simply awesome.

Outstanding Casting For A Comedy Series

"30 Rock"

"Desperate Housewives"

"Entourage"

"Ugly Betty"

"Weeds"

Left Out: Scrubs. Although I'm not sure if this category is only limited to fairly new shows. I don't think it is, and I think Scrubs has way better casting than Entourage or Ugly Betty(I've never actually seen Ugly Betty). I'm the only one I know who doesn't like the show "Entourage." I've only seen three episodes and didn't like any of them, and I blamed it mainly on the casting(Matt Dillon’s brother?!). With the exception of Jeremy Piven, who is pretty awesome, the "entourage" are all pretty lame, and pretty bad actors as well(uhh, Matt Dillon’s brother?).

My Winner: "Weeds." This is another one I've actually never seen, but have only heard good things about. The only reason I would crown a show that I've never seen before a winner is because they brought Kevin Nealon back on TV, and I think that's something a lot of people wanted to see, or just me. Otherwise I'd choose "30 Rock," but that's not really outstanding casting, all they needed to do was take two funny SNL alumni and one of the best SNL hosts and put them on a show, there wasn't much of a casting difficulty there, they already knew people liked them.

Likely Winner: "Ugly Betty," because for some reason, people can't stop talking about it.
"OMG! It's a show about someone ugly, but in real life she's actually pretty! That's never been done before! OMG!" - Ugly Betty fan

Outstanding Comedy Series

30 Rock

Entourage

The Office

Two And A Half Men

Ugly Betty

Left Out: "Scrubs." What do they have against Scrubs? I guess because they already have two NBC shows on the list, they’re just making it fair.

My Winner: "The Office." While many people balk at the idea of "Americanizing" a popular British show, and like to shout from the hills that the BBC version was way better just so they can sound superior, "The Office" is the funniest show that was nominated. True, I've never actually watched an episode of Two and a Half Men or Ugly Betty, but Entourage isn't an "outstanding comedy." Hell, it isn't even a mediocre comedy. The only rival in my mind would be 30 Rock(which I have only seen one episode.)

Likely Winner: "Ugly Betty." Fuck that.

Outstanding Drama Series

Boston Legal

Grey's Anatomy

Heroes

House

The Sopranos

Left Out: Astonishingy, neither 24 or Lost were nominated this year. Lost won this award for their first season, and haven't been nominated since, despite being the best drama on television. My only guess is that the episode that was submitted(the finale) needed previous knowledge from the show to really appreciate, as all their episodes do, so the academy just didn't really "get it." As for 24, I can see why it isn't nominated this year. Don't get me wrong, it is one of my favorite shows(24 and Lost are the only shows I tune in religiously for), but this season wasn't anything to get a boner over.

My Winner: If Lost were on this list, it would be no contest. I wouldn't even have to know what the other nominees were. I'm going to go with The Sopranos.

Likely Winner: "The Sopranos" deserves it, but I wouldn't be surprised to see them pull a fast one and choose "Heroes" because of the buzz surrounding that show.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

30 Rock - Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy

Extras - Ricky Gervais as Andy Millman

Monk - Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk

The Office - Steve Carell as Michael Scott

Two And A Half Men - Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper

Left Out: Zach Braff, though I don’t really have a problem with any of the nominees.

My Winner: Steve Carell. I would also like to see Alec Baldwin win but he won’t because of the whole naming his daughter Ireland and then calling her a pig instead thing.

Likely Winner: Tony Shalhoub, because he always wins.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

24 - Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer

Boston Legal - James Spader as Alan Shore

House - Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House

Rescue Me - Denis Leary as Tommy Gavin

The Sopranos - James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano

Left Out: Matthew Fox of Lost, although he isn’t even one of the top three best characters on the show, so I can see why he wouldn’t be nominated. He is the “lead” though.

My Winner: As much as it pains me not to say Kiefer, I’m not going to. This past season of 24 was pretty lame, and for some reason he decided that this season Jack Bauer wouldn’t talk in anything between a whisper and a yell. Instead, I’m going to go with James Gandolfini.

Likely Winner: Hugh Laurie. I don’t know why either.

Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program

79th Annual Academy - Ellen Degeneres

Late Show With David Letterman - David Letterman

The Colbert Report - Stephen Colbert

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart - Jon Stewart

Tony Bennett: An American Classic - Tony Bennett

Left Out: CONAN O’BRIEN

My Winner: Stephen Colbert. It is a toss-up between him and Jon Stewart, but he took it pretty hard when he lost to Barry Manilow last year, can you imagine how he’d take losing to Tony Bennett this year?

Likely Winner: Tony Bennett, just to piss Colbert off.

Things I Have Learned About Alien Invasions...

2007-07-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

...As Seen In The Film, "Independence Day"

1. When the aliens begin to approach Earth, their first order of business will be to mess up our cable television. They will hack into our satellites in space to communicate with one another, because despite being much more technologically advanced than we are, they have no way of communicating between the mother and daughter ships.

2. There will be no way to determine at first whether the aliens are good or evil, even though they are mysteriously hovering over the world’s most populated cities for a day or two.

3. When it is finally determined that the aliens are here to hurt us, it won’t be NASA, any military branch, or scientists who discover this. It will be a divorced eco-friendly cable repair man from Washington D.C., who somehow translates the alien message into a nifty countdown on his Mac Laptop. After all, the aliens use Arabic numerals and follow the same concept of time as we do, which, in case anyone is wondering, is based on the rotation of the Earth.

4. With his new knowledge of the motives of the aliens, the cable repair man and his seemingly unemployed Jewish father will go to the white house, get inside(thanks to his ex-wife who works there) and pull the president out of a meeting just to talk to them, because the president is available to talk to anyone at any moment, especially divorced, eco-friendly cable repair men and their Jewish fathers.

5. When little mini-ships fly out of the huge daughter-ships and chase our air force pilots, they will kick everyone’s ass. One pilot will think a good idea to “shake” them off his tail is to fly straight up into the air, where oxygen levels are low. This seems like it could be a good idea, since aliens aren’t used to low oxygen levels, being from outer space. However, the plan will backfire when the pilot remembers that he needs oxygen to live, and he will get shot out of the sky.

6. Individual aliens do not die, or even get knocked unconscious, after crashing into a cliff, and subsequently to the ground. It takes a punch in the face and a clever one-liner until they are officially put down.

7. A white house aide knows the truth about Area 51 and the President or Secretary of Defense do not.

8. Tons of doctors and scientists have been working on a crashed spaceship in Roswell for the past 40 years. In fact, they have some amazing mechanics who were able to take an alien spacecraft, with engineering they know nothing about, and pimp it out to fly just like a jet for some reason.

9. Those doctors and scientists also somehow have three alien corpses in large tubes, even though only one ship had crashed.

10. Doctors in Roswell will disect the alien that the pilot punched in the face earlier without taking any precautions to see if the alien is actually dead, because a punch in the face is stronger than any anesthetics, even through their bio-mechanical suit.

11. The cable repair man will also be in Area 51, and granted access to everything along with his father for some reason, and he will get drunk and realize that he can give the alien mothership a computer virus that will save the day. People will praise him for having such a brilliant idea, and the balls to think that a Macintosh laptop is compatible with alien spacecraft technology far greater than our own.

12. Alien spacecraft are about as easy to fly as air force jets, because all a pilot needs to do to be able to fly one, despite ever being in space before, is see them fly in combat and “know what they are capable of.”

13. As for uploading the virus, we won’t send anyone from the military, or a computer programmer. Something could go wrong. We will send a cable repair man instead.

14. Even though the aliens have telepathic powers and can cripple you with their minds, when the alien in the mothership sees the pilot and cable repair man he will sit and let them upload the compatible computer virus, and then let them chill out and smoke cigars for awhile.

15. They will eventually escape the mothership by firing a nuke, because when the mechanics back in Roswell pimped out the ship, they equipped it with an add-on that can hold and launch a nuke “just in case” they would need it someday.

16. All of the daughterships’ shields are linked into that one main computer for some reason, and the shields will go down.

17. Then, the President of the United States will fly alongside an alcoholic Vietnam vet who gives his life getting revenge on the aliens for abducting him 10 years ago, experimenting on him, and letting him go even though they have no reason to keep humans alive anyway.

18. While all of that is happening, the cable repair man’s ex-wife and the Mexican son of the alcoholic Vietnam vet will be allowed into the military base with no clearance, to see everything that is going on.

19. Everyone will live happily ever after, except for the millions of people who will die all over the world.

*UPDATE*
20. You can be in a tunnel that gets completely filled with fire, and as long as you seek shelter in a tiny supply closet, with the door wide open, the only thing that will happen is the lightbulb in the closet will break.